Do you believe in signs? Do you believe in an afterlife, or that people who’ve left this life are still around, somehow touching our lives in small or even sometimes big ways?
After announcing my pregnancy, I got a lot of really beautiful comments, both here and from friends and family, noting that although I’ve been feeling neutral about my due date (which falls on the anniversary of my sister’s death), it definitely meant something.
It’s funny, because I’d probably be the first to tell another person that a coincidence like that was significant. I do believe that the dead are still with us, in ways we don’t necessarily understand. I even find reincarnation convincing, despite the fact that my Christian background doesn’t support it. Nature-The Universe-God is the ultimate recycler–there are countless examples in the natural world of the fact that nothing ever truly disappears–it all feeds back into new life.
I’ve felt signs in my own life. The spectacular sunset over Rai Lei Beach in Thailand when my sister and I were missing my grandfather’s funeral. The time I found the card and gift my late cousin had given to us for our wedding–a couple of years after that event but just a few months after he’d passed away. The time at my parents’ house in the weeks following my sister’s death, when I was afraid to be in the attic alone but forced myself to turn off the light before going downstairs, only to have it be on again when I returned to go to sleep.
And yet, when I saw that my due date was October 8th, I just shrugged and didn’t let myself think much of it beyond it being “interesting.”
Sometimes it’s startling to realize that you haven’t let yourself feel something, especially when you’re a person who’s usually aware of the thrum of your own emotions. Now I’m finding it hard to consider this without tearing up.
But perhaps this is exactly “the kind of wink she’d give.” Yes, maybe it’s true that Kirby “sprinkled some spirited angel dust on this one” and that “babies born on another’s significant day… carry with them something special from the other person.”
That my kids will never meet my sister is one of the sharpest and most constant pains I carry in my life. And I know I’ll always feel that. To think that maybe she does in fact know them and continues to touch our lives is a comfort beyond measure. Sometimes it’s hard to let yourself accept that kind of blessing.
So thank you for all of the warm wishes and comments to thaw my icy denial, for helping me receive this little gift.